Hello, friends! Did you miss “The Bachelorette” last night? It was a landmark American television event, starring, among other things, Joelle “Jojo” Fletcher’s bodacious, sparkling bosom! If you did miss it, do not fear: I can fill you in, along with the various important life lessons that can be learned from this epic Tinseltown morality play. I even dragged my husband, who thinks reality TV signals the end of Western civilization, into the task. Here’s how it played out.
Me: “I have to review The Bachelorette tonight. It’s a two-hour, spectacular, incredibly earnest and magical journey into a veritable carnival of love. I really can’t watch it alone.”
Husband: [Stares, dumbfounded]
Me: “No, seriously, please? It’s THE BACHELORETTE!”
Husband, suddenly cheerful: “Oh! Is that the show that’s hosted by Mark Harmon? He’s indefatigable!”
Me: “Mark Harmon? Who’s Mark Harmon? No, it’s Chris Harrison, the nationally beloved king of Bachelor Nation, who somehow never sleeps and also never ages! He can slip into your room like a vampire when you’ve had your heart broken by a stranger you’ve known for maybe two weeks, then spin a quick, perfect line that means absolutely nothing, but also offers the perfect amount of pause before a commercial break!”
Husband, strangely enthusiastic about this whole thing: “Yeah! Mark Harmon! Don’t you remember? He was the guy who hosted ‘Double Dare!’”
Me, nodding solemnly, even though I suspect Mark Harmon did not host ‘Double Dare,’ a show from the last century on the Nickelodeon channel that featured buckets of slime randomly dumped on cheerful kids, and even though I actually secretly confirmed this by surreptitiously looking it up on Google: “Yes. Yes! Mark Harmon. He’s totally the host.”
What a tangled web we weave when first we practice to rope people into co-watching questionable reality TV. I’m not going to lie to you: “The Bachelorette” started out slow. It was slower than a lonely drip of Axe Body Spray trying to weave its way through a maze of flailing testosterone, a forest of fauxhawks, and a bevy of bad suits, heartbreak, and regret.
I Think Half These People Are Unemployed
There was various heehawing over JoJo’s broken heart—she was on the previous season of “The Bachelor,” you see, and betrayed by a rather confused Bachelor Ben, a seemingly normal person from Indiana with seemingly normal parents who also on national TV told two women he had literally just met that he loved them.
It is shaved tight at the sides with a massive dash of unabashed doo-wop at the top.
There were a few video profiles of the more memorable front-running contestants, including Jordan Rodgers, who is the brother of Aaron Rodgers, who is the quarterback for the Green Bay Packers. We were informed that there is a wide-eyed “Bachelor Superfan,” who may or may not be unemployed, competing on the…