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This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 52

When you throw a party in international waters, things are going to happen. Namely, you might lose a few of your shipmates, particularly if you’re dealing with scurvy and navigating the clouds, or in this case, the cloud

Never fear, though, for I am not one to leave people lost at sea, at least not so long as I can find them. And find them I did, thanks to some flares and the bird’s nest. I also picked up a couple of people who had gotten lost after their plane went down, but I didn’t pick up any smoke monsters. Now they’re here, still ready to party, gamble, and maybe go out with a bang.

Just want to crowd source this one. When I die, having myself stuffed full of candy and used as a pinta—fun party or party foul?

Nicole Leigh Shaw (@NicoleLeighShaw) April 20, 2016

Well-played, little man. I’m ducking impressed.

4: Mommy, why do giants say lots of F words?
4: Fi. Fi. Fo. Fum.

Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) May 8, 2016

Not the best rap battle ever.

Sorry I drank all the ‘blood of Christ’ and sang “Happy Birthday, Sweet Baby Jesus” in the middle of your office holiday party.

Marlebean (@Marlebean) December 2, 2014

On second thought, maybe this rap battle is about to get interesting.

“I can’t feel my face when I’m with you.” – me, to this bottle of Pinot Noir I accidentally finished

Ashley Austrew (@ashleyaustrew) May 15, 2016

Don’t get hasty. I found you.

Simba, everything the light touches is my Kingdom. ~ Me drunk, talking to the dog and shining a flashlight onto my Final Demand letters.

Vice_Queen (@Vice_Queen) May 20, 2016

This is why we have a cruise physician/pharmacist.

It’s like this 18 month old doesn’t care if I’m hungover.

keith (@tchrquotes) January 1, 2015

I probably need a first mate. Given our mission, I think she’ll do, though she might lurk around the break room too much.

Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job? Me: Leftover birthday cake.

Northern Lights (@PinkCamoTO) May 18, 2016

We’re going hunger games in the castle ‘cause we’re savages in the castle.

No basic bitches in my bouncy castle

Jordan (@jordan_stratton) June 29, 2015

Anything goes on the high seas.

This prostitute’s looking at me like she’s never been solicited to babysit before.
majesticminge (@majesticminge) November 24, 2015

Of course, the voyage includes entertainment.

I’ll bet, at the end of a long day, Stevie Nicks relaxes by lighting candles, turning on the TV, and levitating just above her couch.
Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) May 18, 2016

And a theme song.

My 6yo asked to hear…

 if the watchman sees the sword coming and does not blow the trumpet, and the people are not warned, and the sword comes and takes any person from among them, he is taken away in his iniquity; but his blood I will require at the watchman’s hand.


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