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By Curtis Dahlgren

“Thank heaven for little Carolinas.” – Maurice Chevalier (paraphrased)

THANK HEAVEN for North Carolina. At least one state kicking back against the pricks (King James Bible paraphrased). We have to do more than just gripe and complain about the federalis and the power of political correctness. This is America! Boycotts and person-cotts aren’t “sustainable” here. Surrender is not inevitable. If “the right to privacy” rules in the abortion clinic, why not in the bathroom? That is the question. I AM, therefore I have to ask:

Has political correctness and junk science finally ‘jumped the shark’? As I’ve said, the California Air Quality board has gone over the top and around the bend. Into the belly of the unknown. It has declared war on Elsie the cow.


No B.S. It’s a war on ice cream, yogurt, and cheese! The excuse they are using is that cow farts (i.e., “emissions”) are going to make the seas rise – several feet by 2099. The second lie is always bigger than the first B.S., and the air is heavy with ominous things. WELL, as former Gov. Nixon would have put it:

“Let me just say this about that, and be perfectly clear: Cows very seldom fart.”

Sorry about the F-word there, but if you don’t like it you shouldn’t have read my column (I’m repeating some lines just for effect). But come one, folks, intestinal gas is essentially a product of incomplete digestion, but cows have four stomachs! Meaning – duh – nearly 100 percent digestion. Ergo, minimum bovine flatulence (that sounds worse than the other word).

BUTT, if you want to ban Elsie the cow, along with the tin lizzie and the SUV, what about all those elk, the caribou and the moose, where the deer and the antelope fart? City kids, of course, are “fact-deniers” because milking cows is “one of those jobs Americans won’t do anymore.” It’s not cool.

BOTTOM LINE IS, their coming green “utopian” economy will have 31 defined genders, all the right pronouns, and non-discriminating bathrooms, but Baskin-Robbins and Ben & Jerry will run fresh out of ice cream and toilet paper. Behind the ivy-covered walls of the ivory towers of academia, theories sound good, but when transformed into actual power in the concrete world, misery comes to Timbuktu and Venezuela, and a town near you. You can use your college diploma for toilet paper; your sheepskin won’t be worth the paper they can’t find to print it on. They not only kill the goose that laid the golden egg, but they’ll kill off his basket of deplorables. I’m not arguing; I’m just explaining it better.

IN THE END, even ecology stinks. The California Air Quality board wants another “study” to find a way to recycle cow farts. I think I’m already doing that. Political B.S. gives me indigestion. When city folks start picketing and protesting 4H-ers, them’s fightin’ words. When it comes to political correctness, will we stand or will we sit for it? But enough bathroom humor. GET MAD.

P.S. I was going to re-title this column “It’s hard to look cool when you’re sitting on a manure spreader” (with apologies to Roger Pond’s “It’s hard to look cool when your car’s full of sheep”), but seriously, when I was a young boy, ma and pa didn’t tell me to take out the garbage. It was “Take out the manure.” It ain’t so bad. Down on the farm, manure smells sweet, sort of like money. The worst part was sitting behind two horses’ asses. They have only one stomach and can really stink up the joint, like your favorite football team, or your mate on the great white throne. It’s a doozie. Likewise, the elite city folk now have us in deep doo-doo.

Speaking of “white,” a professor of art says that she is deeply offended by the snowman (made, ironically, of snowflakes). She says it is always white, public, and male – while I guess the snow woman is kept in the kitchen by privileged patriarchal sexists. Interesting, but is it art? To coin a phrase, her snowflake-students probably agree with her hypothesis, plus that snowball fights are bullying. Sigh. So much for survival of the fittest, eh?

THE COUNTRY IS CRACKING UP. The economic outlook is going into the septic tank. There may be a theme to this column. It is get mad, and support anyone who opposes the “inevitability” of a “PC” utopia. Even Elsie the cow may kick back.

© Curtis Dahlgren

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